sometimes always, never
by Third Time Charm
Summary: What happens when reality is built on a foundation of lies? What if the ghosts of the past return to resurrect long dead truths? All Sakura Haruno desires is a life of her own, but caught between and avenger and a martyr she may never have that chance.
1. Prologue: What if?

**Title: **Sometimes always, Never

**Pairings: **SasukexSakura, SakuraxItachi

**Disclaimer:** I don't own. If I did, Itachi (and Deidara) would not be dead. And: There would be more (interesting) female characters...that don't end up dead, disappearing or knocked up.

**Warnings:** Rated for possible language, eventual character death.

**Date:** 5/3/2010; 1:07a.m.

* * *

_"There is no chance, no destiny, no fate, that can circumvent or hinder or control the firm resolve of a determined soul."_  
_-Ella Wheeler Wilcox_

* * *

What if the truth were buried so deeply in an attempt to ensure that no one would ever be able to find it? Never be able to revive it from it's grave?

What if our reality were built up on the shallow foundation of lies?

What if you killed for what you believed in-

**And what if everything you believed in was a lie?**

I can promise no resolution. I offer no redemption. The only man I might have saved is seven years gone from me…and the only man who _had_ saved him is three years dead. And the truth, sixteen years buried, cannot be resurrected so easily.

But then, what happens if the world is turned on it's axis? What occurs when the irrevocable actions are overturned? What happens when _everything_ we believed in..turns out to be wrong?

What if he had walked away that night, still, and had embarked on his quest to kill a man so honorable that he was willing to die for the wrongs that were never his to begin with? What if he believed he had killed the brother who he believed had wronged him?  
And what if… Uchiha Itachi had never really died?

Always listen to your heart.

Sometimes, reality is a lie.

Never believe what only your eyes see.

For in this place where reality is an illusion and truth is fabricated by ambition, you can trust nothing more than your intuition.

What if everything you knew was a lie, and the truth was nowhere to be found?

I cannot give you _the_ truth. I can only give you _my_ truth, for what it may be worth. I have seen more than many ever will-but I know, best of all, that frequently, what the eyes see is nothing close to reality.

I am Haruno Sakura, nineteen years old. The apprentice to the Lady Tsunade, Hokage, a member of the defunct team seven.

I have loved men that no one else dared to speak with.

I have lost men that no one could ever hold onto.

What if, though, the past could be revived from the grave?  
What secrets, I wonder, would it have tell?

* * *

ooc; Hello! It's been a very (very, very, very, very) long time since I've written anything of this nature. This may end up being an anthology of scenes telling the story I have in my head, or it could end up being an actual story.

The gist, if you hadn't grasped, is following a little bit of an idea I've toyed with for some time. Uchiha Itachi did not die, not _really._ Sasuke killed a doppelganger, of sorts. Sakura is left with the knowledge of the Uchiha massacre. Itachi is trying to covertly prevent Sasuke's destruction of Konoha all without letting his little brother know that he is alive. Sasuke, of course, is riddled with the guilt of killing the man that he once (and again) idolizes. The title is an intentional play on words, which you will probably come to understand later. Always (sometimes), never is how it should be read-or always, as scratched out, Sometimes, never.

The premise is a bit convoluted, and not at all going to follow the script of the manga (or anime). I love the story, but I'm afraid I'm a touch too attached to some of the characters to see them actually die! Anyway, if you catch any blatant spelling mistakes (or punctuation errors) hit me up and let me know! I'd appreciate input, at any rate. I really don't know how this will be received, but I hope you enjoy it!

It's good to be here again!  
xoxo,

Elle


	2. Chapter One: Feel

**Title: **Sometimes always, Never

**Pairings:** SasukexSakura, SakuraxItachi

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Naruto.

**Warnings:** Language, Character death

**Date:** 5/4/2010; 1:46a.m.

* * *

_"You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel." - Unknown_

* * *

What was I supposed to do? It wasn't as if I could control such things, you know. I might be a medic, I may be the Hokage's apprentice but at the end of the day, I am nothing more than a mortal. I play with death on a daily basis, but he is not mine to command. I engage on a battlefield so few are ever equipped to step onto, and I win more often than I lose.

Nineteen years old, and what do I have to show for it? It had been six years ago that Sasuke had walked away from me, five years past that I had made Chunin. I had been training with the Lady Tsunade for nearly as long as _he_ had been gone. I had made Jonin. When occasion warranted it, I was a medic for the Anbu black ops.

Those, though, were all things I had _done._ What did I have to show for it?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I was still that _annoying_ girl that was only twelve years old, hiding a keen intellect behind a wide forehead. Naruto was still the moron that couldn't keep his mouth shut. Kakashi Sensei was still the perverted, tardy nin that he had been when we had been introduced.

Sai, Yamato..both might have improved upon acquaintance, but they didn't really _change._

Admittedly I take liberties in saying such a thing. Acquiring emotion and a base (I refuse to give him the credit for actually _comprehending_ such things as emotion) understanding of the human psyche certainly is an adaption, but Sai was..Sai.

And he would never be the third man who was _supposed_ to be on our team.

That dubious honor belonged to the man that had killed the Hokage. Well, admittedly, I was the last of anyone who would have _acknowledged_ Danzo in Tsunade's place, but rank was rank.  
And Sasuke, in typical fashion, had damned it-and damned himself.

What sort of man would kill his comrade? It was three years ago that I had come upon him, ready to kill a woman that might have been-could have been, _should have been_ me.

He could have killed me there. _Would_ have, if it hadn't been for Kakashi. And Naruto. Why? Why couldn't I have loved him? Either of them? Certainly an affair with the man who used to be my superior-and still, frequently, was my team leader-would have raised eyebrows.

But anything would have been better than _this._

I should have killed Uchiha Sasuke three years ago. He had acquired revenge, and found it hollow. It would have been a fitting end for him. What more did he _deserve?_ A lonely little boy with a tragic past…I could feel sorry for him.

The days, though, of justifying what he was doing were long over. Haku, that beautiful boy we had met as Genin, had taught me something of loyalty. Even Zabuza knew when to end it. Gaara, Utakata, Neji, tragedy was nothing new to me.

Nothing new to _us._

We were Shinobi. We had rules by which we lived, for which we were willing to die.

Uchiha Sasuke threw all of that away. He deserved _nothing._

Nothing from anyone. He had killed an innocent man (and for all of his faults and all that he had done, I truly believe Uchiha Itachi was a victim-a willing victim, but a victim none the less) for revenge and found a mutated sort of truth.

Truth that drove him to kill Danzo. Go after the Elders of the Leaf, destroy _Konoha._

We had rebuilt, though. Stone by stone, our buildings stood taller than they had before. Every bone that mended was stronger than it was previously, every man, woman and child who had survived the onslaught had found their courage.

Konoha had not fallen, and so he would try again.  
In blind ambition, shortsighted for his _revenge,_ Sasuke would return. He always did, he couldn't _help_ himself.

Sasuke could not help his desire for revenge any more than I could help my desire for him.

I could justify to the ends of this world and back, the things he had done. Itachi had driven him insane with his provocation. His clan had been killed and Sasuke had been nothing more than a child living on his own. Madara Uchiha had corrupted his mind against Leaf in his own bid for power, vengeance.

I could close my eyes to the reality that lay before me, in this broken body-burned by lightning so hot as to deliver nearly instantaneous death.

I could not, though, close my heart.

I _knew._ Even as the warmth faded from the body of the man that I had known and even _respected,_ the shades that had kept me from the truth fell from my eyes. With every tear that fell on Kamizuki Izumo's body, the illusions that I had carefully built around myself were stripped away.

There was no other way to end this.

I would have to kill the man I loved.

* * *

A/N: Well, this is where it all began. Sakura's revelations over the body of a man she respected but did not love, killed by a man she loved but could never respect.  
My writing style will waffle terribly through this. This cast of characters is entirely new to me, and I'm trying to settle into how I like writing them best. I could write it in a story format, or continue on with living in the character's brain, with occasional glimpses of the scene that provoked these thoughts.

Do you have any opinions? I'd love to hear them!

xoxo,

Elle


	3. Chapter Two: Loss

**Title: **Always sometimes, Never

**Pairings:** SasukexSakura, SakuraxItachi

**Disclaimer: **I don't own.

**Warnings:** Language

**Date:** 7/1/2010; 12:46 am.

**Soundtrack: **"Savior"; Rise Against

* * *

"_But at times I wondered if I had not come a long way to find that what I really sought was something I left behind." _

–_Thomas West_

_

* * *

_

What he had done, the man knew, was unpardonable. Defecting from one's village might have been able to be forgiven, granted the extraordinary circumstances. Attacking it, turning it to rubble-and killing it's citizens would have set the dogs to snapping at his heels.

Or perhaps the better description would have been the fox, chasing a trail that even the hounds couldn't find. Sasuke Uchiha had been running for a very, very long time. He had gotten used to hiding his trail, secreting away into the mist without a trace left behind.

But for some reason, _this_ time had been different. With every twist, turn and disappearing act that the Uchiha employed, Uzamaki Naruto had only drawn closer. The sun-beaten grounds of the Land of Fire should not have betrayed his footsteps as the baking August sun and the arid breeze blew from the west, the taste of sand and desert erasing any other scent to be found, scouring away the footprints.

It had been, Sasuke concluded, an inauspicious birthday. An ill fated whim had driven him to seek the omusubi with okaka* from his childhood. Nineteen. Nearly two decades of living, and nearly six of this life he had chosen-and this had been the first time the man (he had ceased being a boy long experiences ago-in a life measured by moments, not months, the ninja had left childhood well before the massacre of his clan aged him irreversibly.) had made a mistake of such magnitude.

Perhaps the crippling nostalgia had driven the boy to the familiar roads and the stalwart gates of the land of Fire's hidden village. There was a sense of _rightness_ about walking that road, the one path that led in and out of the hub. He could remember those puddles, so out of place, that the Mist nin had emerged from all those years ago-the first bloodshed that Naruto endured, and the designation of protectorate to Sakura.

Then, there had been Kakashi-protecting them all.

Such brash, reckless days, those moments that memory dredged up from the murky depths of shadow. They were not _unpleasant_ memories, Sasuke reflected in passing-but the act of remembering was simply too painful to endure doing so willingly. What other crippling things would emerge?

He had done so many things. Good, and bad. Seven years ago, he had stood over the grave of a beautiful boy who he hadn't been able to defeat. And yet, defeated in his own way, Haku had maintained his honor even in being a missing nin.

It was something that Sasuke had never learned how to do. Honor, integrity-it was sold for the wretched, cheap price of power.

Unsurprising, then, that regret had overtaken him on the wings of anniversaries passing left and right. More than a decade had passed since that night that he had believed Itachi to be the killer of his family-when, in truth, it had been their own pride that slew them.

Nineteen years, Uchiha Sasuke had survived and he had regrets.

More significant at the moment, though, was the pressing matter of his own freedom. Konoha might have pardoned Uchiha Itachi in death as the truth came out, but whatever forgiveness that might have existed there for Sasuke had taken repetitive blows. Training with Orochimaru was the first step he had taken wrong (although one might argue he had rectified the situation in slaying the Snake. A noted lack of foresight had resulted in him leaving the man's medic alive, however.) and then it had been followed by the murder of Uchiha Itachi, unpardonable in it's entirety.  
Even _if_ Itachi had murdered the Uchiha (and for a genius as Sasuke was reputed to be, how had he _not_ sensed that something was off about it? His emotion blinded him to the truth, a troubling characteristic.) they were still brothers-and vigilantism could not be condoned.

The Shinobi world was a fragile one, balancing precariously on tradition and expectation. To so ruthlessly pursue something that could not be condoned was difficult to forgive.

Strikes piled up swiftly against Sasuke. The joining of the Akatsuki, believing Madara, the pillaging of Leaf, the near-killing of his former _team._

There was no place for Uchiha Sasuke in Konoha.

That explained, then, why the dark haired boy was so perplexed by the determined pursuit of Uzamaki Naruto. Golden in appearance, personality and actions, revenge for the sake of revenge was not something that suited the next Hokage. And yet, he _couldn't_ be so stupid as to still be on the hell bent path to drag Sasuke back to Konoha.

..could he?

The answer, of course, came from the bellowing cry of indignation when Naruto spotted Sasuke, disappearing into a thicket of trees. It was distressing how easily the darker of the two could slip so silently into shadow.

He had become shadow, losing anything that could keep him pinned into reality.

"How _could you?_ He was one of _ours!_"

Answers.  
It nearly _hurt_ to realize that Naruto did not want to drag him back by the ear to Konoha. After all, for years it had meant that there was still some place left to go. If even Naruto had forsaken him, who other could still have hope?  
Hope, green wrapped in pink-incinerated.

Losing the Uzamaki was hard-harder than Sasuke had ever anticipated. For years, it had been Naruto trying to catch up to him. Even under the training of Jiraiya, he had not been able to catch up to the Uchiha. And yet, more than six years later, Uchiha Sasuke had to swallow yet another bitter pill of reality.

As he had left Konoha to become strong, sought advancement through perpetual training and detachment from his own humanity, the boy whose life had been dedicated to _retrieving_ him was as strong as he. Naruto, who had found courage in the convictions of others, had not needed to isolate himself to find his strength. His stalwartness was drawn directly from his relations with others.

Uzamaki Naruto was not strong in _spite_ of his relationships-but _because of them._

It was gratifying to the Uchiha when he finally managed to give his always-rival-sometimes-friend he slip. There were too many questions that the blonde had raised in his actions. Perhaps that was another of the longstanding issues between the two boys that were reflections of each other-one, as the other might have been. Uzamaki Naruto simply was not _restful_ to be around. One found no answers-only more questions to which answers were increasingly more difficult to find.

In the middle of such a reverie, Sasuke was jolted, once again, to the unpleasantness of reality.

Rather, one might _tactfully_ say that reality was beaten into him in short order. Those less interested in being inoffensive might snigger in glee at the way a gloved fist met the Uchiha's jaw relentlessly.

Hope gone up in flames. Even if _Naruto_ could not forgive him, Sakura certainly could.

Or at least, he thought.

Yet in an instant, Sasuke was forced to face another unpleasant revelation. As much as Sakura had known of him in his early years-and did, even now-he knew nothing of her. Her hopes and her dreams, her capabilities and talents were mysteries to him.

There were scars on her figure that hadn't been there before-ones that told of wounds inflicted to the very soul.

The two Shinobi stood on opposing sides of a small clearing-blazing crimson eyes met unforgiving malachite. They had never stood on the same side of things, the boy realized with crippling clarity.

She had saved him time and time again, had sacrificed for him, bled with him and wept over him-yet he did not even know the scars she bore.

Anguish crept deep into the unrelenting stare Sakura fixed him with. There would be no escaping the girl, unless she should choose to let him go.

But that…that was wrong.

She was no girl, whimpering and cowering at his feet. Even _then,_ when she had brazenly tried to fight him, to kill him, Sakura had not been a _girl._ There was a woman's heart beating in her chest-and it was the female prerogative to endure in silence that which no man could ever hope to shoulder.

"_I cannot kill you,_" Sakura breathed lowly, her stare unwavering as she brazenly gazed into the very stare that could recreate the world she lived in-into an illusion kinder than reality was, at the moment.

Torture seemed a far more gracious alternative to the emotional bedlam that roiled just beneath the surface. This man-this _boy,_ this ungrateful fool had thrown away everything that anyone had ever wanted and he didn't even _realize it._

"_But I am not half the fool you are. You are dead to me, Uchiha Sasuke. You have tried to kill the only brother I had ever known-you have stolen the ones I love from me. I cannot kill you, but that does not mean I must forgive you your transgressions._"

Years-years, and years, and blood and sweat and too many tears to possibly count had all led to this moment. The only thing that had driven them all was the knowledge that they could change things, change themselves even as they hoped to change him.

Even as her pulse fluttered rapidly in her neck, staring down with exceptional bravery-or incredible stupidity-the boy that had shaped them into the individuals they were, Sakura found that she could not even weep.

"_Perhaps it would have been better if I had let you die._"  
And in a whirlwind of petals so unexpected that it took long seconds after they stilled on the ground for the Uchiha to realize, she disappeared.

She had found him, followed him, _tracked_ him even when Naruto could not-she had anticipated his path, studied his moves and found his destination before he even knew what it had been.

How had she known?

What had Sakura _seen_ that had allowed for such intimate knowledge of his mind, his purpose and his heart? Disgruntled, Sasuke admitted even to himself that he was disturbed by it.

And yet it was with a nearly wistful sense that the man brushed the cheekbone, using his own (copied) medical ninjutsu to heal the shattered cheek.

There too, was a most perplexing feeling of loss-the sense of finality, that something he had never known but always been there, was gone permanently beyond his reach.

Most disturbing though, was the dawning realization that it was all he had ever wanted in the first place.

* * *

A/N: Well, that was unexpected. Sasuke is an interesting character-albeit, not my favorite. I think this chapter embraces the sense that he finally acknowledges his multitude of mistakes. Reflecting back on them, Sasuke-the-man realizes that the stupid things that sasuke-the-boy did led him to where he is now. He gave up on these people long ago-and only now is he willing to maybe consider giving them a chance. However, it's too late for Sasuke because Naruto has finally given up on him and Sakura, while still impossibly in love with him (as evidenced by her inability to kill him) is not willing to endure the sort of torment that seems particular to the Uchiha associates.

This chapter really shows where I intend to write Sasuke, as a character. He realizes his mistakes, the only one to blame for where he is in life is himself. More interestingly though, is the knowledge that Sasuke is forced to realize that physical strength is not _strength_ because while he and Naruto are matched, it is Sakura who was able to lay in wait for him and find him when even Naruto could not keep up. He isn't entirely pleased by the revelation, you'll note. It really ties into the quote above because Sasuke is slowly realizing that everything he ever wanted he had offered to him years ago. It's the very things that he had thrown away when he left.

You'll find that the song noted above (Savior by Rise Against) is really the inspiration for this chapter. The lyrics "And it kills me not to know this, but I've all but just forgotten what the color of her eyes were or her scars and how she got them" drove this along with the quote on top. Sasuke might learn much, but he knows little-and realizing that is making him realize a number of other, extremely uncomfortable things.

Forgive me if this chapter is convoluted or confusing-drop me a note in a review if there's a part that doesn't match up or make sense, or you just don't understand. Tell me where it is and I'll probably edit it for clarity-this was really a bit of a labor, written in a start/stop sort of way that made it nearly impossible for me to keep track of where I was and what I was saying. On the bright side, I have the next two chapters thought out! Sakura's point of view on this entire scene is going to be shown in a portion titled "Revelation", using the quote "Can I please have one more dance with you? Goodbye all I've loved, and held, and knew" and the preview of "Everything had been for no reason-her hope, her effort, her love. The men she knew were strangers-she was where she wanted to be, but it was as if someone had shut off the lights. The world around her was suddenly and inexplicably sinister, unkind-drawn in dangerous angles that would cut through to her very soul if she gave them the chance" and Kakashi and Sakura will have a moment in a chapter after, tentatively titled "Solitude", with the quote "There is nothing to regret – either for those who go or for those who are left behind" and the previewed statement of "Neither needed to say anything-for the words between them had been lost long ago".

**Note that I infer here, chapter one's situation with Izumo dying comes from Sasuke's ceding to foolish nostalgia. He came back towards Konoha (Presumably for omusuba with okaka) but was stopped by the gatekeepers and engaged with in a confrontation that ended in Izumo's death.

*omusubi with okaka is essentially a riceball with tuna and soysauce, from my understanding. It is noted as one of Sasuke's favorite foods, along with tomatoes.

_Yikes_ this is long-winded of me. I'll try to be more concise in the future! Review-let me know what you think of this format. I can certainly continue with wordier chapters that have more substance. Would you like to see more detail to the action and less of the thought process of the characters? Thanks for your time!

-Elle

**A NOTE ON TIMELINES AS I USE THEM IN THIS STORY:**  
If we note that Sasuke's birthday is July 23, Itachi's is June 9, Sakura's is May 23 and Naruto's is October 10th, we can assume that of team seven, Sakura is oldest. If this is set in August, Sasuke and Sakura are both 19-Naruto is still 18.

We also need to note that the Uchiha massacre happened right after Sasuke turned 8-if it's inferred that it happened in summer, early august is the most likely time for this to have happened. Itachi is noted as have being made Anbu Captain at 13, which does not necessarily mean he was not in Anbu before that. We can safely conclude that Itachi had been a captain (and thirteen) for around two months when the massacre happened (right after Sasuke's birthday, as it's inferred that Sasuke was 8 when it happened.)

That means it has been 11 years since the massacre, a little over six years since the initial assigning of teams (march/may-he turned 13 five or so months after being assigned to team seven), a little over five since his defection from Konoha.

I conclude that he killed Orochimaru when he was late fifteen (june/july)-so it's been around three years since Orochimaru's death, and around two and a half since Itachi's.

(All of this would be so much easier if they gave me seasons to work with!)

I conclude that the destruction of Konoha by Pein's invasion happens around January/Febuary, a month or so after Itachi's death. For my own purposes, I'm writing that he was involved in that.  
The next big "arc" that Sasuke is noted as participating in is the killing of Danzo, which I believe happens around April, so he's sixteen (turning 17 in about four months) Sakura has just turned 17, and Naruto is sixteen, turning 17 in seven more months.

Chapter One features Sakura as a nineteen year old, about a month after her birthday-so it's April (everyone else is still eighteen). Sasuke had just been involved in an altercation with the Gatekeepers of Konoha (Izumo and Kotetsu) and Izumo perished. This chapter takes place four months later.


End file.
